One day I’ll blog about my past and my childhood and about how I specifically grew up, that day is not today. Today I’ll blog about how I’ve been feeling recently. If you read my “about me” then you know I tend to feel discouraged about my faith and I’m looking for others that feel how I feel. You see the problem is, exactly this. This blog. Why do I need to tell a blog about my faith and my struggles when I have a church and friends and groups? Because noone wants to talk about people that have been in the church awhile feeling discouraged and shaken, new comers, sure! But devout Christians should know how to handle these feelings “read your bible!” “Pray!” “Get involved!” Right? But..what about when it’s deeper than that? What if I already read my bible and it was as bland as reading a foreign language, just scanning over words that make no connections in my mind? What if I prayed and prayed and prayed but feel like I was just babbling and couldn’t connect to God no matter how bad I wanted to? What if I tried getting involved and helped with Sunday school but hated missing services, or ran the media but I couldn’t shake how wrong it felt? What if when I decided I needed to fix myself and my faith before I get involved with anything, I sat on a pew with no one around me feeling like a outsider at a church I’ve attended for 10 years. I’m not always this discouraged though, at the beginning of 2016 my soul was on fire, I “straightened up my act” and I change my clothing to be more modest, I changed my music, I read my bible and fully connected with every scripture, God spoke to me constantly and gave me messages to tell others and I did, I attended every bible study I could. Then when it slowly started to fade as it usually does, I didn’t want it to! I held on as hard as I could, refusing to let go. I all of a sudden wasn’t connecting with the scriptures anymore but kept reading. I was praying but the messages stopped. The Christian songs no longer spoke to my heart. My notes during service got shorter and shorter as I ran out of things to say about the service. I know we have mountain tops and valleys I just feel like I go threw them more than others, or maybe people just don’t talk about it. I began to question my beliefs and tried to turn to others with these questions in hopes their answers would crush my doubt but I got my feelings hurt instead. I have a theory as to why I go threw my valleys so often but that’s another post so for now, if anyone of any religion connects with this please let me know.